Thursday, August 18, 2005
People I Know
I know a woman who is always looking out for Benny Hoh. She knows what I am looking for and for that she gets the Benny Hoh Seal of Approval.
Below is a note she recently sent.
"Ben, I found the perfect woman for you. My friend Anna sent this to message(see below): next time you're in NY, I am on a mission to get you two hooked up Don't worry, she's a hottie." (I Highly Encourage All My Readers To Join This Mission.)
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is a survival guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so>the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff butdoesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stopuntil the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk inand check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leaveand come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into thebathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a suddenwave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machinegun>pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone hasleft the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poophits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stinkup>the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable>moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is bestto pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the useof the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is darn>proud of it. You will often see an out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before enteringthe bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering>your bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stalland tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this>occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into thebathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel aWatermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loudsplashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the toilet, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. Thisbenefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Although I am familiar with most of the above terminology, I am looking forward to meeting this Anna woman who originally sent it. For educational purposes of course.
Below is a note she recently sent.
"Ben, I found the perfect woman for you. My friend Anna sent this to message(see below): next time you're in NY, I am on a mission to get you two hooked up Don't worry, she's a hottie." (I Highly Encourage All My Readers To Join This Mission.)
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is a survival guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so>the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff butdoesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stopuntil the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk inand check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leaveand come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into thebathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a suddenwave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machinegun>pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone hasleft the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poophits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stinkup>the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable>moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is bestto pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the useof the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is darn>proud of it. You will often see an out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before enteringthe bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering>your bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stalland tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this>occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into thebathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel aWatermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loudsplashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the toilet, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. Thisbenefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Although I am familiar with most of the above terminology, I am looking forward to meeting this Anna woman who originally sent it. For educational purposes of course.
