Wednesday, August 31, 2005


Damn You Old Navy

It so happens that I prefer Old Navy Jeans. They are inexpensive and according to some make my butt look less hideous then unusual. (They have never seen the assfro so their frame of reference may be skewed). Anywho, with less expensive jeans, one expects them to break down a little quicker than other jeans, however why must it be the zipper. Do other have this problem or is it just me. The lifespan of my Old Navy Jean is contingent on how comfortable I am walking around with my fly down or how comfortable I am with people pointing out that my fly is down and or unopperational.

I supposed the real query is, how much does will is cost Old Navy and me the end consumer to install stronger zippers in jean. If it involves knocking some kid's hourly wage from 8 cents to 7 cents an hour I think it should be taken under consideration. 8 vs. 7 cents doesn't mean crap. That poor kid is still gonna be a poor kid but I won't have to feel drafts in funny places..... OK enough insensitivity, on to the news.

In streaking news: Some dorks from Princeton are ruining the principles behind the activity by turning it into a varsity sport. However, I do applaud the creativity.

In good intentions will likely be a headline from a prank gone awry news: Antirape device is set to hit the market.

In new found respect for Dr. Phil News: Sure his weight loss challenge will never stand up to Rosey's Chub Club but his advice certainly must be working for his son....

Tuesday, August 30, 2005


Do As A Dog Does

100 reasons why Britain is way funnier than we are.

Interesting if true news: Canada will soon have us by the short and curlies

Monday, August 29, 2005


Stupid Poetic Justice

In an unending quest to regularly purchase yogurt with the fruit on the bottom I accidentally purchased pre-stirred yogurt. As it turned out I happened to have a rare craving for grapenuts in my yogurt the other evening. Not wanting to spill my grapenuts when putting them into the yogurt it turned out that the pre-stirred yogurt was actually a wiser purchased for spill control purposes. Upon applying the grapenuts I said out loud, "Take that Karma!" At witch point I dropped the yogurt covered lid on face down on the floor.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


It Could Be Worse

When I have a bad day at work I might send an email by accident or say something inappropriate to a client. More times than not no riots occur. It makes me happy to know I'm not this guy.

Sorry for the short post. Benny Hoh tired.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005



In the immortal words of Pee Wee Herman, "Everybody I know has a big butt." I was just thinking (I know it doesn't show) that very often the butt one stairs at and views as hot when clothed is often kinda weird looking in the buff. Where as an ordinary butt may be quite nice in the buff. My frame of reference is only for female posterior butt I think there is something to this.

Is the is the same for dude butts?

In What the French!? News: Apparently France is still determined to win a war. They have hired snipers to hunt frogs. There is no word as to whether the frogs are armed but I still give them a 50/50 shot.

In trust me ladies I work very hard news:

Monday, August 22, 2005


A Call To Genitalia

Usually its a call to arms but today is a call to genitalia. How many times have you hooked up with a jerk? Too many I will assume. So I am am shouting out to all of you to go out of your way to get it on with a nice guy or gal.. whatever you preference may be. Think about it... There would no longer be any regrets because you could always fall back on "Well its not going to work out but at least he/she treated me all right" Take a stand folks. Go after the nice guys. And if you do I will do my best to get rid of my asshole ways. After all I will be looking to get some too.

In other news: My neighbor, buddy, ESB blogger and provider of quality suds just had his pub redone by "While You Were Out" of TLC. I'm sure if he hasn't blogged about it all ready he will soon so be sure to check it out.

Friday, August 19, 2005


There Is Hope For Me Yet

Here comes the science and studies to suggest that I am one hot physical specimen. Now if only my damn personality would get out of the way.

Note: There is not participation Friday this week due to the lack support. Stay tooned (heh heh tooned) for a relaunch of this program.

On another note: Per the post below... The "Mission" request was to get Benny Hoh hooked up in general, not necessarily just with this Anna woman I have yet to meet. Just wanted to clarify to limit the creepy factor. Now back to poop.

Why was Tigger in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


People I Know

I know a woman who is always looking out for Benny Hoh. She knows what I am looking for and for that she gets the Benny Hoh Seal of Approval.

Below is a note she recently sent.

"Ben, I found the perfect woman for you. My friend Anna sent this to message(see below): next time you're in NY, I am on a mission to get you two hooked up Don't worry, she's a hottie." (I Highly Encourage All My Readers To Join This Mission.)


As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is a survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so>the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff butdoesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stopuntil the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk inand check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leaveand come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into thebathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a suddenwave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machinegun>pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone hasleft the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poophits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stinkup>the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable>moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is bestto pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the useof the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is darn>proud of it. You will often see an out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before enteringthe bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering>your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stalland tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this>occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into thebathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel aWatermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loudsplashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the toilet, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. Thisbenefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Although I am familiar with most of the above terminology, I am looking forward to meeting this Anna woman who originally sent it. For educational purposes of course.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


If You Would Have Told Me 10 Years Ago That I Would Have Solved The Worlds Energy Crisis...

We are literally pissing away the solution to the World's energy crisis. Don't get me wrong, I always thought the solution lied in flatulence. Harnessing one of my farts may be more difficult than figuring out cold fusion but I always figured THEY would figure out how to convert cow stank or something into energy. However, the thinking was in the right area if you know what I mean but some scientist were a little bit more forward thinking (Pun intended) and are now harnessing the power of piss. And I don't mean when a dude has to go real bad and feels like he could put out fires or knock down small trees.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


My Favorite Protest

Does it get any better than this. Women in NYC went topless to fight for the right to go topless. Enough said.

In birthday news: The Slinky recently turned 60 and still doesn't have any trouble walking down stairs.

In campaign promises news: More Cow Bell

Monday, August 15, 2005


Fine Then

Well... Due to the lack of participation in participation Friday I will not bestow upon you my diatribe on blonds, burnetes and redheads. Sorry but I am the acramonious type (That means bitter.)

Anyway the creative juices aren't flowing right now so my post will be another note from the past.

Straight from the Benny Hoh Chronicles:

December 11, 2001

Bow down before me....For I am your God.
Last night after wetting my pallet with a few beers with my roomate Marc, we met up with a few of his friends and went to a fine eating establishment for dinner. I believe it was Hooters. After some fine dining and some more beers near the Fleet Center we decided it was a good night for a Britney Spears concert. After wheeling and dealing with some scalpers we got $125 tickets for 35 each. We were in the free beer, leather chair, shrimp cocktail, can see Britney in great detail section. It was pretty much the coolest thing that has ever happened to me, and I've had sex before. Britney closed the show wearing next to nothing while taking a shower and wearing a cowboy hat. To be honest.. I'm still a little aroused. To top off the evening we went to the Harp after the show and I talked to a girl.
Yup Life doesn't get any better than that.

The luckiest guy you know named

Benny Hoh

Friday, August 12, 2005


Don't Mess With My Chocholate Chips And Participation Friday

Who gives a crap about strawberry icecream. Studies suggest its not that good. Chocholate chip cookies on the other hand... You can't mess with them. The real question here is did we really need science to tell us this?

Anyway... On to participation Friday. Today's querry is Blonds Brunettes or Redheads and why?

The why is the key. Let me know your thoughts and I will fill you in on the Benny Hoh school of thought on the subject Monday.

Thursday, August 11, 2005


Vanilla Cheese

In the name of all that is good and pure... What the hell is vanilla cheese? I recently had a visitor from Sri Lanka in SF and she insisted that Vanilla flavored cheese existed. She said it was popular in the UK. I asked some crazy Brit about it and he said there is no such thing. Can anyone verify this? I did a quick search on the interweb and found nothing.

I have a buddy who is lactose intollerant but loves his vanilla ice cream. That made him create some interesting smells back in the day. Perhaps that's what my visitor meant by vanilla cheese.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005


June 1st 2001 A Day In The Life Of Benny Hoh

Thats write... I have been doing this crap for years and yet my grammer has hardly improved... Strange.

A day in the life of Benny Hoh, by Benny Hoh 6/1/01

I awoke to construction outside my window at 6:00a.m after staying out late last night. This makes me a little acramonious (that means bitter). What kind of construction is going on....? New side walks are being put in. So right then and there I decide that I will have too imortalized all proper 49 Quint apt#2 residents in cement. But I have to wait for them to lay the cement... So I get ready for work. Which includes dropping a duece. Uh Oh there is no freaken toilet paper left. Not a huge deal because I'll go at work. I usually show up early anyway. Unfortunatly, they didn't set the cement for a long time but I figured what the hell I'll show up late for work. I leave the house and kneal down to ech our names in history when I hear over my shoulder, "What the hell are you doing?"

I look up to see a cop who was with the construction people I say," I was just..... seeing....if it were dry."

He shakes his head and gives me a mean look. "Well I gotta go to work" I say.

I promptly run into big dave who is laughing his ass off. So I go to work and arrive 10 min late and I still have to poop. I decide that since I am already late I might as well take care of business. Ten minutes later I have clogged the toilet which overflows all over the bathroom. My attempts to stop the flooding were futile so I ran like a school girl and went into my training class pissed at the world like usuall. My day is just getting started.. who knows there may be more excitement. Until next time.

Benny Hoh

I don't know maybe this post is only funny to me.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


PSA: Condoms

All the condom info you could ever want to know, including the top 7. Surprisingly I learned a lot here but not which kind of condom is ok to keep in your wallet for three years.


Monday, August 08, 2005


What Would The Pope Do?

I'll tell you what he would do. He would shit in the woods like he always does. However, Australians have built a toilet on the peak of one the nation's tallest mountains. I look at this from two points of view.

1. If you are going on some crazy ass mountain climb, I am sure you are going to be used to making in the bushes.

2. I once had to make in the woods for over a month and when I returned to civilazion sitting on a nice pooper was quite a treat. So I guess if climbing a big ass mountain isn't award enough you get a state of the art pooper to welcome you to the top.

3. How does the plumbing on that thing work?

Friday, August 05, 2005


Participation Friday

Ok since I usually don't post over the weekends I am going to start making my Friday posts more interactive seeing as they sit for a while and are view by more people. I am lacking in creativity today so today's query might not be as interesting as those to come.... Anyway....

What is the dumbest/wildest thing you have done to impress someone?
(I look forward to your responses... And note on the comments section that you can remain anonymous so there is not reason not to participate)

I'll go first: When I was 13 or 14 I stole my 6th grade teachers car to impress a girl... It worked too. We held hands for almost a week.

Thursday, August 04, 2005


People I Know

Making his Second appearance on the "People I Know" section of the Benny Hoh Blog is my often confused pal.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005


Screw The Grammer Police...(Unless your hot)

Of course now I will not only have the Grammer Police on my tail but the "You're a superficial jerk Police" as well.

Anywho.... I recognize my poor grammer but in an effort to keep content fresh on the BennyHoh Blog, things such as grammer, spelling, tact and taste may slide.

In the News controdicts itself news.... Drunk Dialing is Bad vs. Alchohol helps you think.

I have this debate weekly.... and let me tell you I think the answer is neither but as long I keep ending up with hilarious results I will continue my study of the debate.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005


How I Get By

I have alluded to this in my early posts (See the February archive). The way to get through a seemingly difficult situation is to:

A. Think of a the worst similar situation you have been in making the current situation not so bad

B. If you have not experience than you are experienceing, then revel in the novelty of if.

Example: Recently I had an bad case of The D (Thats Diareah to the layperson) However, I was reminded of a trip to Mexico where I encountered the dreaded Explosive Diareah and Johnny Cash/Ring of Fire if you know what I mean experience, and it made my most recent bout with the D trivial.

Stay tuned for more Benny Hoh words to live by.


What The?

I some how managed to delete a post from yesterday so I will post twice today.... Sort of. I will share some poetry anyhow.

One dark night,
In the middle of the day,
Two dead boys got up to play,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Got up and shot the two dead boys,
If you do not believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man,
He saw it too


A Happy Accident Indeed

There are not many things better than screwing up with hilarious results.

For instance there was once this guy who's name rhymed with Ben. He was quasi involved with a young strumpet. Said strumpet also had interest in another young man who owned a fancy sports car. One evening this guy was sitting on an upstairs porch throwing back a few when the young man pulled up next to his house with the strumpet who guy who's name rhymes with Ben fancied. Feeling acrimonious (that means bitter) the guy decided to stew. In doing so he set down his beer. Said beer fell victim to the woes of gravity and promptly rolled off of the porch smashing on the hood of young mans car which contained the young man and strumpet. Leaping up to see what happened the guy who's name rhymes with Ben managed to knock three more beer bottles off the upstairs porch onto the young man's car. The guy who's name rhymes with Ben could only stair down at the young man and strumpet who stared angrily through the fancy car's windshield back up at him.

The guy who's name rhymes with Ben sat down soon after his accident and said, "Well that happened."

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