Tuesday, March 29, 2005


What Would You Do?

If you had a large opencast mining site that you were through with what would you do with it? The normal school of thought on this matter is to restore the area to farm land, however some genius from Newcastle thought, "Why not turn the landscape into a goddess with 100 foot breasts that can be seen from jetliners"

Why not indeed?

Monday, March 28, 2005


Back To The Future

Great News Everybody! According to the Houston Chronicle, the original DeLorean is back.

Friday, March 25, 2005


When Is It OK To Fart?

First and foremost it is never completely wrong to fart. After all it’s a noise that smells. There are of course the extremist who insist that it is never ok to fart outside of a bathroom or that they don’t fart at all. To that side of the extremist I say to you, “Does the Pope shit in the woods?” The opposite extremists insist that farting is natural and that we should let them rip whenever the mood strikes us.

As with any situation involving extremists we must undertake the difficult task of finding common ground. There are certain societal norms that we have to live by. Hence we cannot rip ass whenever we want besides if we were all farting all the time some of the humor in them might be lost. On the other hand passing gas is natural and should not be hidden away especially due a farts potential hilarity.

What it all comes down to is the social situation you find your self in;

If you are with a bunch of college buddies, Fart away…On date, you may be rushing things in the relationship if you do but if he/she accepts it you know they’re are cool or kinda freaky… In church, probably a no no. As you can see it is really a judgment call that we as responsible citizens have to make on hour own. The key is to make the best attempt to not do it in confined areas such as an elevator or subway.

Of course sometimes things start rumbling and you don’t feel like waiting for a little release. The process here to let out a scout fart. Just a little release so as to test the waters. Let is creep around the area you are in to see if it stinks. If it does you know to clench up, if it doesn’t you can let a little more out.

Anyways I wanted to remind us all about the ongoing issues surrounding Farts. For your reference here is a list of different types of farts. And if that list intrigues you, here are a few more additions.

The debate on farts can go on and on but I think it can best be summed up in on of my favorite poems.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound just like a song.

Some farts do not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger awhile.

A fart can create
A most-curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.

So be not afraid
Of the invisible gas,
For always remember,
That farts, too, shall pass.

If you have any other questions you may check the Fart FAQS

Wednesday, March 23, 2005


So I’m Obsessed With Toilets

So I’m obsessed with toilets. Here’s an informational on the American Standard Champion that I have mentioned in previous posts. There is also a great commercial out about it that I haven’t seen online. It involved a guy with a clogged toilet. Let me tell you… hilarity ensues.

Friday, March 18, 2005


True Cause For Celebration

This week marked the St. Patrick’s Day, Evacuation Day and the beginning of Eastern Orthodox Lent. St. Patty's is no longer about some Irish dude spreading Christianity. 99.9% of the US doesn't even know what Evacuation Day is for (The Brits fleeing Boston). However, it has become an excuse for state workers in Massachusetts to take the day after St. Patty's off. As far as Eastern Orthodox Lent... I don't know much about that except how many Christians are truly celebrating that?

As you can see this week has several distorted holidays that we celebrate out of habit if at all more than we do out of any sense of personal experience or respect for the past. Well God Damn it... Its time for that to change. For anyone of us who remembers being a horny as hell teenaged boy (Sorry female readership) this week is the 80th anniversary of nudity in film. If that isn't reason for celebration I don't know what is.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005


Comfort Food

At the risk of sounding like a woman, I think there might be something to the whole comfort food thing. For many it’s chocolate. For me it’s usually ice-cream. Most of you know about my ice-cream rant and if you don't e-mail me separately to learn more. My point here is that the other day when walking home and feeling down in the dumps I decided that I would have steak and potatoes for dinner. A few steps later I thought why not make it cheesy potatoes?

Yum Cheesy Potatoes.

The thought alone picked me up if for only a moment.

Monday, March 14, 2005


I Like TV

RetroCrush has compiled a list of the 100 greatest TV theme songs with multimedia links.
Who doesn't like lists?
Who doesn't like TV?
Who doesn't like Multimedia?
Who doesn't like waisting time at work?

If I had a list of favorite Websites, this one would rank pretty high up there. After all the porn of course.

Thursday, March 10, 2005


An End to the Israeli Palestinian Conflict

In one short morning I have developed 3 fool proof plans to end the Israeli Palestinian Conflict. That's right; a conflict that has been more or less going on for thousands of years was solved this morning by yours truly.

1.Ynetnews (Yedioth Aronoth English Website) reports that Israel Defense Forces believe incoming recruits and soldiers who play Dungeons and Dragons are unfit for elite units. Apparently the IDF feels that “These people have a tendency to be influenced by external factors which could cloud their judgment. They may be detached from reality or have a weak personality - elements which lower a person's security clearance, allowing them to serve in the army, but not in sensitive positions."

Hello!!! I readily admit that I don’t know poop about Dungeons and Dragons but if some dude can turn into a Wizard or Orch or something and cast spells, I want him fighting on my side.

2. Since both the Israeli and Palestinian armies consist of almost all men I suggest that the leaders of these nations/nations to be institute a policy where they have all members of their military wear women’s underwear. If you have soldiers march around in that stuff for a few days straight they’ll be feeling too damned happy to shoot anybody.

3. Lastly, the Jews have showed great restraint to date but they could always release the Hebrew Hammer. He’d straighten things out.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005


So Long To Dan The Man Rather

Tonight is Dan Rather's last broadcast as anchor of the CBS evening news. Many feel that he is stepping aside because of his faulty reporting about President Bush’s National Guard service. This may be the case or at least this incident is the icing on the cake, however having had my own experience with the CBS evening news, I know first hand that they have been a bunch of hacks for years. I was once quoted out of context telling however million people watched the program in 1995 that I felt like a girl. Don’t get me wrong, I feign embarrassment that should be real but all it takes is a beer or a girl to look in my general direction for me to play the tape of my embarrassing display… but that’s beside the point. The point is Dan Rather is an old man. What old man isn’t a bit of a putz? Don’t blame him for faulty reporting. Blame CBS.

Here’s to you Dan.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


Updated Toilet Info and Jesus Never Tasted Better

Due to my loyal readership and comments from them I am able to keep up with the latest trends. Based on my first post which you can access in the archive section of this blog, a friend of mine has informed me of another outstanding toilet. It does not have heated seats as the ones in Japanese Starbucks but check out all the safety features on the Great John. Does it match up against The Champion from American Standard in flushability, I don't know. However based on the picture of the folks on the Great John page I'd be willing to put money that the Great John could handle a Deuce and perhaps even a Deuce and a half. (Deuce is the scientific term for poop)

In other news the body of Chirst is changing flavors. Emmm Jesus never tasted so good.

Monday, March 07, 2005


Do I Smell Funny?

They say scent is the sense that is the most closely tied to memory or something along those lines. I for one agree. I often will catch a whiff of something and it will bring back a very vivid memory. Anyway, I recently was given some sort of fancy shampoo that that is supposed to enhance my pheromones and attract the ladies. After running out of regular shampoo I gave it a try only to have a smell that I recognized immediately come to mind. While washing my hair with this concoction I realized I was emitting the same smell that was created when I washed my dog.

Dogs are cute, friendly and loyal animals and yet I am not so sure any woman wants me to smell like one.

Friday, March 04, 2005


The Revolving Door Stops Here

My sources tell me that revovling doors in Australia, to my disappointment, turn the same way the do here. However, thier light switches are opposite of ours. Down is on and up is off. Lets all celebrate with a dance party. I'll start. (Turn on your speakers)

Thursday, March 03, 2005


People I Know

Recently a young woman that I know succeeded where others had failed. She managed to acquire and have presented to me a men's size (L) In 'N Out Burger T-Shirt. Given a shirt can always be ordered online but that is beside the point.

I have only had the pleasure of knowing this woman for a few years now and am well aware of her philanthropy previous to this act of random kindness. For Example she has been willing to date a funny looking big nosed friend of mine. This alone never did quite sell me on her because there was always the possibility that she was just crazy.

However, after receiving my In 'N Out Burger T-Shirt my respect for the people from the greater Buffalo area has grown and this woman has earned the Benny Hoh Seal of Approval.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


I Can't Even Make This Stuff Up

At the risk of appearing to have some sort of Aussie fetish, I have to inform you all of the latest cool ass stuff going on in that country. An Australian based paper company has developed a way of making toilet paper out of Kangaroo poop. Apparently having a pouch is not the only usefully thing marsupials have. Perhaps the fact that animal poop can be in itself toilet paper is why you don't see too many members of the animal kingdom needing to wipe.

Meanwhile back in the US of A some guy got the crap tasered out of him by the cops for overloading his plate at the salad bar at Chuck E. Cheese.

I in no way mean to bad mouth the US of A because we do occasionally come up with cool ideas like the United States Beer Drinking Team. The latest from them is that they are pushing the entertainment value of beer. As if most of us didn't all ready know.

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