Benny Hoh Blog

It has been a while since I had a people I know section. I know a guy who despite being one of my old party buddies seems to have his shit together. He is married to a lovely and believe you me understanding woman, has a good career track going, yada yada yada. In some ways that depresses me but then I heard that after getting drunk or being over served (Still up for debate), he puked in church this passed Sunday. And its when I find things out like that that I realized that goofy bastard is about the only thing I got going in this crazy world.

Actually I like to think I got a little more going. For instance yesterday I joined the Stanford Masters swim team. During the first practice of finding out how out of shape I was easily distracted from the burning lactic acid in my muscles by the ginormous bee sting I received on my ass. Being somewhat allergic to bees my left butt cheek swelled up to twice its ordinary size.

Indeed it was a good time and I now have another reason for scracthing my ass.

Sorry no links today :-(

If you received my latest news letter as most of you haven't because you don't subscribe or don't have permission to subscribe, you may have noted some of the next steps in the Benaisance. One of the small ones is to create limitations on negativity. So its going to be nothing but fucking sunshine and lollipops from here on out.

(To apply for The Bennaisance Newsletter email: bhohmann@gmail.com, subject line: I find your ideas intriguing and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter)

Moving on...
In today's How California is different than Boston news: Some California hackers have developed a device that hacks into crosswalk signals allowing you to cross at will rather than stand on the corner waiting to signaled to cross. Bostonians didn't get the news because they cross at will regardless.

Finally if you are feeling pretty low about yourself after sucking a few minutes out of your life to read this blog I highly encourage you to purchase a Needie. Its bound to pick you up and erase away any thoughts of your loserdum.

Stupid Northern California... Don't get me wrong I am enjoying it out here but I am still adjusting to many of the differences. The latest concerns Tacos. There is an apparent rift between the cultures of Northern Cal (where I live) and Southern Cal (If you haven't guessed, where I don't live). The rift extends all the way to the foreign foods isle in the markets. Although Mexican by nature I never quite pegged tacos as really being foreign but that's where the taco related products are in California grocery stores. Moving on I have noticed a very limited and hard to find amount of taco mix kits in various markets. I can't imagine this is the case in SoCal, they have a greater Hispanic population and are closer to the border (Your Welcome). The issue I have encountered is; Where the hell are the soft taco kits? They are harder to find than an 8 0z container of fruit on the bottom yogurt. Everybody knows the soft shell is superior:

You get to practice folding skills

It is less messy

You can easily melt cheese to the tortilla and then add additional toppings

The likelihood of you cutting the roof of your mouth on a taco shell is limited

The list goes on and on, just use your imagination. As usual, the long and short of this PSA is I'm pissed

In cool ass lists news some guy made a list of the 50 greatest on screen rides. Numbers 9 and 4 have my vote.

And the first comment on this post will be: "What?"

Getting that out of the way, Congress rejected the proposed $100 million cut of funding for programs such as Sesame Street. Was this action due to the power of the Benny Hoh Blog? The world may never know.

In I wish this happened 5 years ago news: Britney Spears has agreed to pose nude for Vanity Fair. Too bad its going to be of her preggers.

Finally in religious news: Jesus was apparently baptized in the crapper.

Allow me to tell you about Man Strength. Somewhere around the age of 20 every man starts to develop his superhuman man strength. Man strength is the physical toughness exhibited by dads and granddads everywhere. This may not make sense but it will. Sure some 20 year old kid may be able to run 10 miles or do 100 push ups but when he goes to chop wood with his old man or something it wears him out where as the dad hardly breaks a sweat. Despite a man getting older and frailer Man Strength continues to build. Take for instance this 73 year old who took on an attacking leopard ripping out its tongue to kill it. And per an early post, one time my dad punched out a llama.

In terrorism news: Beware of your goat. The evil doers may be targeting them next.

The debate is still out but I always figured that since there are mandarin oranges there had to be a lesser known cantonese orange. Based on how tasty mandarin oranges are my taste buds have always come to life a the mere thought of another orange delight.

Today's What I miss about Boston:
People mind there own business in that town and don't call you out for ordering and R2D2 snack bowl off the back of a cereal box. (Of course that because geeks who do that sort of thing would have had the crap beat of the a long time ago)

Those of you who received my annual newsletter are aware of my grocery store hitting on a girl/Texas Toast incident. Having moved on I decided it was time to sack up and talk to some ladies in teh grocery store, again testing the theory that it is a good place to meet people. And why wouldn't it be? There are plenty of conversation starters right on the shelves. I figured when I worked up the never to talk to a girl at the store I would just being discussing the objects on the shelves. I sure wish I noticed where the women in teh grocery store were congregating before I opened my mouth.

Lousy feminine products isle.

For today's how California is different:
Why the hell this state can't put yogurt with fruit on the bottom in an 8 0z container like Bryers I will never know. What's up with a 6 oz yogurt anyway? That's hardly a spoonful!

To ensure that there is always fresh content I am going to include things I miss about Boston and things that are different in California.

Today’s how California is different:

Californian are very sensitive to noise. Every drug store seems to have a plethora of earplugs for sale.

If you manage to check the ESB blog as I do you all ready know that A House panel has voted to eliminate all public funding for NPR and PBS, starting with "Sesame Street," "Reading Rainbow," and other commercial-free children's shows.

Personally I'm convinced that this action is due to the recent move to make Cookie Monster chow on veggies. Believe you me, you don’t know how pissed I was to hear about that, however I had faith that Sesame Street would find a way to rebound.

Anyway... normally I hold the opinion that moveon.org is a load of crap but they do have on online petition to save Sesame Street. I highly encourage all you to sign it.

I had a moment where I was feeling rather spry or spree (I'm not sure which one) and I wanted to do a somersault. Before I continue, allow me to emphasized that this spry/spree feeling was in no way due to my recent move to San Francisco. Anyway, what occurred to me is at the tender age of 26 if I went into a somersault I probably wouldn't be able to move pain-free for about a week.

Fudge I say! Fudge indeed.

PSA: What do you do if you are inside an elephant? Run round and round until you are all pooped out.

I swear I would have thought of a way to safely bring a beer into the bathroom first if I didn't spend my time being acrimonious (that means bitter) over being jipped out my Hidden Valley Ranch dressing squeeze bottle fortune at the age of 6.

In other childhood memory news... I finally got the reaction I deserved. As a little kid I often got in to the "My dad can beat up your dad" argument. For most children there is no winner to the argument. It just goes back and forth. But for me I threw out the zinger "Oh yeah well one time my dad punched out a llama." One such llama has heeded my warning.

My brains has run a little dry on Blog fodder so I have been reduced to posting disturbing pictures. Please check back soon for my normal hilarity.

I think Everybody Is A Little Bit Racist was a title to a Dave Barry book or article but I believe it holds true, especially idiots like myself. I came across this article about anal bleaching cream ($9.99). I’m sure I will catch some flak regarding how/why I came across this article but that is beside the point. If you read the designed purpose of the cream perhaps you will have the same question as me. What do black people do? (I'm not even sure it this is racist)

In other news, does it really matter which idiot we have in the Whitehouse.

Recently a “friend” of mine was making a stir fry. Like any good stir fry the dish required the use of chopped up chili peppers. Yum. Also included in the stir fry was chopped unions. During the chopping of the onions my “friend’s” eyes began to water and his nose began to run. Not thinking he rubbed his eyes and nose with the same hands that had just diced up a few chili peppers. Fire entered my “friend’s” eye sockets and the interior of his nostrils. He began to cry and have snot freely run out his burning nose. In significant discomfort my “friend” went to the bathroom to wash out his eyes and clean himself up. While in the bathroom my “friend” thought to himself, “While I’m here I might as well take care of business (Number 1). No sooner had my “friend” zipped up did another burning begin. His thought was, “Wow this is like getting an STD and none of the fun of getting it.”

The moral of the story is be careful when handling your chili pepper.

If you’re like me, you have some issues and should reevaluate things. Anyway if you are like me and base your grown-up life on the foundations of your adolescent life you often find that you may have developed some morals along the way. I for one was a kleptomaniac in my youth. As I have developed a few morals along the way it has become increasingly difficult to stick to the principle of basing my life on my adolescent foundations. e.g. Steal is bad.

Not to worry I figured out a way to do it.

I thought when stealing the most important thing was to keep you're prize in a safe and secure place where nobody would look. This place was often down the front of my pants. Despite putting my thievery behind me I still have positions that are dear to me and require safe keeping. A colleague of mine, who base on this recommendation alone may need some help, suggested “Brief Safe.” The “Brief Safe” is a highly sophisticated device sold on eBay for $14.99 and will surely protect your cash, documents or other small items from amoral youths that I can relate to.

In toilet news: A man lit a cigarette while on a portopotty near a methane leak. Hilarity ensued.

The city of Boston has recently decided to ban ultimate fighting and possibly all punching and kicking bouts despite the fact that the “sport” is sanctioned in Massachusetts. The rational behind the event is for public safety. That is all good and dandy; in fact it’s the basis of the democratic platform of protecting idiots from themselves. On the other hand there is a sound argument that there shouldn’t be a ban. Have you seen the types of folks who attend these things? If afterwards they want to beat the snot out of one another, so be it. Boston is divided between rich educated elite and poor townies who are unaware of the letter R. The rich elite have been growing in numbers while the townies have faded. Why on earth if you are a self absorbed member of the elite would you want to aid the side of those who don’t know what R is unless they are talking about Pirates or movies…or Pirate movies? I understand that the elite don’t want the sort of element that is created by grown men beating the snot out of each other in their hoity toity neighborhoods but sometimes you have to let the fire burn itself out.

Not sure if this post made sense but I have been overwelmed with fodder for the blog lately and wanted get posting.